"There is never a better measure of what a person is than what he does when he's absolutely free to choose"
-William M. Bulger

HOLA WORLD. What is up? anything new? Yeah. I've gots lots new. You ready?

First things first, I still haven't found my DS games. Yeah...Its been that long sense I've worked with my Pokemon Team. Its been that long sense I've last weeded my Animal Crossing Town. Its been that long sense I've played with Kirby... (sniff) But you know? Its not that bad. Its kinda nice to look at my DS, and realize that I can still do other things. Yeah. The DS got that dependent. Kinda freaky. So, if you ask me, I'm glad that the games are gone. And if they don't show up by the time I move out of my own house, then so be it. Guess I'm supposed to be focusing on other things...(thanks Karma) So I have!

I recently hung out with a friend...A friend who I have recently become fascinated by. I do that with a lot of my friends. We become good friends, we talk more. And then the more we hang out I can get picky about the things that make them, THEM. What differs them from me, and if its worth it let this person close to me. Sadly, I don't get far with my girlfriends. A lot of them are just too emotional, too drama. They can't focus on anything important, and I have to keep going on without them. They still say hello to me, and I we have nice conversations every now and then. But we eventually have to part paths...Leaving her in the lunch room while I move on to the computer lab.

Now because of this lack of girl friends, I have more guy friends. And I think that just boosts my fascination, because The majority of my guy friends start the relationship by flirting (amusingly enough, a large turn off) with me. Thus, I drop them! Its the ones who take the time to know me as a person first, other than a score or a girlfriend first. I'm a tough cookie as of late -- and I'm totally fine with that

So any way back to my friend. We were hanging out, talking a lot about people, why people act the way they do. Why we choose the people hang out, and what that makes us. Now, I wont tell you too many details, but I from this friend I learned about myself. How much I am intact with my emotions. How much my emotional past has effected who I am today. I thrive in emotion--depend upon it, I would go as far to say. Its why I create art, its why i read poetry, its why I appreciate those who get to know me and my emotions before they know me by face value. When I write or draw, I am feeling this emotion. So strong and sure, that it becomes its own freakish being. Its like the emotion I feel is connected to a soul--dying to get out on paper in some form. Knowing how to portray those emotions is what I live for. And why I come to DeviantArt. When you try to capture and explain an emotion through art, the picture or literature will strike you so hard. As if, it was its own living being... Thats why I am who I am. For emotion and sharing them with others.

Now don't picture me as this freakish goth-obsessed girl now with the only thing spewing of my mouth being dark and angst things. I love life. I friggin' love life. Its amazing and beautiful, and I cherish every day I wake up and come to find I can still use my legs. It makes my day, and I haven't even seen the sun rise yet Emotions don't have to be the dark and sad parts of your life, they can be the overwhelmingly euphoric parts as well. We are each given this life to feel, to learn, to grow. And I can express that through my art.

This friend, it kinda took me off guard. They look at art, for the details. They look at the poetry, for the stanzas and the measures. Punctuation even. I think he's well on his way to understand what it means to be an artist, but his unnatural focus on perfection and detail disturbed me. "I don't like to feel the emotions in some peoples art...It seems unnecessary"

I guess that can be true. If your in for the art for the statistics, and the habit, then looking that deep into emotional and abstract art can be very tedious and unnecessarily painful. But with my background of sickness, depression, and death, I can't ignore my emotions. I can't ignore my pain. And if thats what it takes, then I will never give up my pain. It gives me sight, it helps me push forward. I can't stand to live in my pleasures or comfort zones. If its what it takes to move forward, then I embrace my pain. Happily

People might say I look too deeply into things. Including people--If people know how much I studied them I'm pretty sure that it would scare them off (actually, I'm positive I would). It's not that bad at first, you just had to get used to being surrounded by everyone and everything, but being completely alone. And Every now and then, in the crowd, you'll actually find someone. As you study them, they study you. which makes you all the more appreciative of them. And them you. Its a mutual relationship, and whenever your around them...Neither of you are alone anymore.